Please know that my daughter is a precious gift from God and her mother and I cherish her more than anything in the world. That being said please take time to download, fill-out, and return the following application: Download Official Boyfriend Application
Click Here to Submit Completed Application
After submitting the application, please allow six months for processing. After six months, if you haven’t received word as to whether your application has been approved, please consider it denied. If you feel this is a processing error please feel free to re-submit the application after the 18 month waiting period. If you are lucky enough to have your application approved, you will be given a date for your first post-application 
interview. Please feel free to review the Eight Rules below in order to prepare for your interview.
Thank you for your interest.
*Also if you intend on dating any of her friends, we consider them daughters as well, so please follow application process as described above.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them for you right here-and-now.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loosely that they appear to be falling off the hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but those who do this are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so here’s the deal: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to assure you that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your pants securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four:
I am sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without using a “barrier method” of some sort can kill you. Let me elaborate. I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, you may think we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The ONLY information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house. The key word I need to hear on this issue is your definition of the word “early.”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt that you are a popular guy, with many opportunities to date many girls. This is fine with me as long as it is O.K. with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you and she tells you so. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for something, YOU SHOULD NOT BE DATING. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a proces which can take longer than painting the Space Needle. Instead of just standing there, you could offer to do sometrhing useful, like changing the oil in my car.
Rule Eight:
The following places are NOT appropriate for a date with my daughter:
(a) Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool or bench.
(b) Places where there are no parents, police officers, or nuns within eyesight.
(c) Places where there is darkness, or near-darkness.
(d) Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
(e) Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her neck.
(f) Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are O.K. Hockey games are O.K. (see “e”).
Rule Nine:
No talk of the ‘D’ or the ‘P’ – no wanting , no needing, and especially no destroying. ¿Comprendes?
Rule Ten:
OMG and BTW we know what DTF means too, so none of that either. WTF is wrong with teenagers today?
